When my son was born in April 2017, I promised to develop into a full-time father till he turned 5. I used to be so critical about this dedication that I sold our largest rental property to unlock time. This property was imagined to be our crown jewel for my spouse and my retirement plans. Nonetheless, one thing needed to give.
When my daughter was born in December 2019, I made the identical promise to stay a full-time father till she turned 5. Hooray for equality! That point is quickly coming as she lastly begins full-time faculty in September 2024. As I anticipate the transition from full-time to part-time fatherhood, I needed to replicate on what it has been like being a full-time father for over seven years.
However first, some clarification on the distinction between being a full-time versus part-time father.
The Definitions of Full-Time versus Half-Time Fatherhood
Initially, fathers will all the time be fathers, it doesn’t matter what. Nonetheless, identical to with work, some fathers work part-time, and others work full-time. There’s a spectrum of how we allocate our time to varied tasks.
My definition of full-time fatherhood is when a father spends extra time caring for his kids than he does on his job or different actions. For instance, if a father spends 40 hours every week caring for his three-year-old and 20 hours every week driving for Uber after his son goes to sleep, he’s a full-time father. This father spends 60 hours every week between fatherhood and side hustling.
Conversely, a part-time father is a dad who spends extra time on his job or different actions than on caring for his children. He would possibly work 40 hours every week at an workplace job after which spend 2 hours together with his children after work and 15 hours every week with them on the weekend, for a complete of 25 hours every week of kid time. That is a protracted 65 hours every week of labor and childcare for this dad!
Each Varieties Of Fathers Can Be Nice
Primarily based on these two examples, it is clear each fathers are doing a variety of work to care for his or her kids and earn earnings. All fathers have what’s referred to as a Provider’s Clock, the place they’re conditioned to offer to various levels.
It is usually clear that being a part-time father will not be a detrimental. Most dads work full-time to care for their household. In the meantime, spending 25 hours every week with their kids is rather more than the average dad in America spends with his children every week (~10 hours).
Clearly, in the event you’re a bodily and mentally in a position father who would not work a lot and would not spend time along with your children, that can in all probability be considered negatively. Nonetheless, I do not consider any father studying this web site would select to shirk each work and childcare tasks.
Whenever you select to be a father, you additionally select to tackle the huge duty of fatherhood. On the very least, all fathers will select to go all-in on their work at the price of spending time with their children, or go all-in on childcare at the price of creating wealth. Each choices could engender dad guilt as the daddy tries to search out a really perfect stability.
Fundamental Purpose: To Give Males Permission To Be Full-Time Fathers
I do know there are males on the market who’ve thought of being full-time fathers however are nervous in regards to the transition as a result of monetary worries and societal judgment. My aim is to offer males permission and confidence to be full-time fathers in the event that they need to.
Simply take a look at this chart from the U.S. Census Bureau that exhibits solely about 2% of fathers are stay-at-home dads in comparison with about 23% of girls who’re stay-at-home moms.
I am constructive if fathers felt much less monetary stress to offer and society was extra accepting of full-time fathers, the share can be a lot nearer to the share of girls who’re full-time moms.
Be Who You Need To Be To Really feel Complete
Occasions are altering, with extra girls attending school than males and extra girls incomes greater salaries than males. But, partly due to the male ego, the variety of full-time fathers has barely budged since 1994. Males nonetheless really feel embarrassed to be labeled as having the toughest job on this planet.
This lack of self-confidence is why you see males who proclaim FIRE (Monetary Independence, Retire Early) however by no means point out their working wives who present earnings, retirement advantages, and well being advantages. There’s additionally an important concern of letting their wives cease working, given the monetary implications.
Pretending to be one thing you are not is a tragic solution to dwell. Having the ability to communicate your thoughts and be who you need to be are a number of the strongest benefits of financial independence. This freedom to dwell one’s true self can be probably the greatest causes for dwelling in San Francisco, the place there’s a larger acceptance of individuals of all sorts.
Reflections on Being a Full-Time Father
For any present or future fathers contemplating staying at house to lift their children, let me share some perspective on the way you would possibly really feel as a full-time father through the first three years of your kid’s life.
I exploit the three-year mark as a result of most households have the choice of sending their kids to preschool by then, though daycare can be a standard childcare choice.
For many daycare facilities, infants can begin as younger as six weeks. Nonetheless, extra time permits for the institution of a safe attachment along with your little one, full therapeutic of the umbilical wire, determining feeding and sleep patterns, creating a stronger immune system, and adjusting to a brand new life collectively.
1) There isn’t a more durable job than full-time parenthood
In case you’re a brand new dad, the challenges will be overwhelming. From bottle-feeding and diaper modifications to burping, napping, and fixed dishwashing, elevating a child retains you busy. The primary yr may additionally be sleep-deprived as your toddler wakes up each two to 4 hours.
After I worked in banking, the hours have been lengthy and the stress was immense. Nonetheless, there have been all the time breaks the place I might unwind over espresso, a meal, or a enterprise journey. Attending conferences abroad was a lot enjoyable! Regardless of working ~60 hours every week, that also left 108 hours to sleep and do no matter.
In full-time fatherhood, the hours can usually attain 12-14 hours a day, or 84-98 hours every week through the preliminary years. You’ll be able to attempt to nap when your toddler is sleeping, however there isn’t any assure you can sleep.
In the meantime, the price of wanting away for greater than three seconds might lead to damage or worse to your little one. From the paranoia of Sudden Toddler Dying Syndrome (SIDS) to drowning to slipping and bashing their heads on a desk’s sharp edge, the stakes are a lot greater for a full-time guardian if they are not doing their job.
If I miss a telephone name from a big shopper, no large deal. I can all the time name my shopper again or e mail them. However there won’t be any method again in the event you look away from a baby.
Put together to your limits to be examined repeatedly
If you wish to be a full-time father, you could mentally and bodily put together for the final word problem. Learn as many books as you’ll be able to about parenthood. Study parenting methods that require persistence, understanding, and love. Get in one of the best form of your life to maintain up along with your kids’s infinite power.
The primary three years will push you to your limits. We’re speaking doubtlessly 6 am – 9:30 pm virtually each day. You’ll hear screaming, crying, and whining a number of occasions a day for over 1,000 days in a row. Because of this, your nerves will fry. Get noise-canceling headphones that will help you survive your days!
2) You’ll have a more durable time becoming in and feeling welcome
Whenever you take your toddler to the playground on weekdays, you’ll doubtless be the one dad amongst a majority of mothers and nannies. Primarily based on my observations in San Francisco, roughly 40% of the first caregivers are mothers, 55% are nannies or au pairs, and 5% are dads.
When the ladies are chatting about feeding and and different childcare matters, you’ll doubtless not be included. Therefore, you’ll have to make an effort to get to know the opposite mothers, nannies, and au pairs in the event you’re seeking to make pals. As your child grows older, you may see them usually as a result of weekly courses. Therefore, it might be good to get to know them considerably.
In case you attend any Dad’s Night time Out occasions, you might also really feel embarrassed initially. Whereas different dads talk about their careers and enterprise journeys, speaking about your day along with your kids would possibly really feel awkward. Regardless of altering gender roles, there’s an ongoing machismo amongst dads which will make you are feeling uncomfortable.
You’ll be able to both lean into your full-time fatherhood position or point out different work endeavors you might be pursuing. As a father, you’ll be able to’t discuss taking part in pickleball all day, as some mothers proudly do. As an alternative, you could talk about some exercise that gives worth to society and earns cash.
Took some time to be comfy proudly owning my standing as a stay-at-home dad
For me, as soon as my son began attending preschool full-time at age 4 in 2021, I advised folks I used to be a author since I used to be engaged on Buy This, Not That. I might have mentioned I used to be a full-time father, however I didn’t partly as a result of I needed to higher slot in. I additionally did not need to make dads really feel awkward for being part-time fathers.
Fortunately, after a couple of yr of being a stay-at-home dad, your confidence will develop. As an alternative of feeling misplaced, you may embrace your position as a major caregiver extra strongly. As you wait to your confidence to develop, be pleased with your standing as a stay-at-home dad. Caring full-time for a susceptible toddler is a noble factor to do.
3) You may lengthy to return to work for a break from full-time fatherhood
With no direct earnings coming in to your labor as a full-time father, you could really feel extra harassed at occasions, particularly in case your spouse would not earn a lot or would not work.
Because of this, you may incessantly ask your self when you need to return to work. You may do the mathematics concerning the price of daycare/preschool versus the price of not working in your profession.
The temptation to earn if you are nonetheless comparatively younger will doubtless overwhelm your want to stay a full-time father, so you’ll doubtless transition to part-time fatherhood as soon as your little one turns three.
At three years outdated, you could gleefully or reluctantly begin sending your child to preschool full-time. In case you solely have one little one, you’ll then really feel a robust duty to return to work and earn once more, even when your spouse is working.
Nonetheless, when you have a number of kids, you’ll naturally need to supply the identical quantity of childcare as you probably did to your first little one, if doable. Therefore, with two kids, you could find yourself gutting it out as a full-time father for six years. With three kids, your full-time fatherhood position could prolong to 9 years.
After 9 years of being a full-time father, you’ll have a difficult time going back to work that pays you an identical wage to the one you left.
4) You’ll usually really feel such as you’re not doing sufficient as a full-time father
Some of the irritating issues about full-time fatherhood is that irrespective of how a lot you do, you’ll usually really feel such as you’re not doing sufficient. I am positive full-time moms really feel the identical method, as there may be an infinite quantity of offering to do.
For the primary two years of your kid’s life, you could really feel like second fiddle to their mom. This can be true irrespective of how a lot time you spend with them. There’s one thing about rising a baby in your womb for 9 months and birthing a baby that creates an unbreakable bond between mom and little one.
You may really feel daggers in your coronary heart when your kids select to play with their mom over you. The extra time you spend along with your kids, the extra the rejection will hurt.
Fortunately, after our children turned three-and-a-half, there was extra of a stability of affection. So for full-time fathers on the market who really feel unloved from time to time, preserve the religion that issues will get higher.
Your spouse or accomplice will not all the time really feel reduction or happiness
In your distinctive scenario as a full-time father, you could usually really feel such as you’re doing greater than your justifiable share of childcare in comparison with different fathers. Because of this, you would possibly anticipate your spouse or accomplice to really feel happier and fewer harassed than different moms.
Sadly, your spouse or accomplice will nonetheless really feel sad or harassed from time to time as a result of there are infinite childcare duties she additionally must deal with. If she additionally has a full-time job, her stress will persist because it’s laborious to not carry work house. Her unhappiness and stress will bum you out since you hoped to alleviate her from such burdens as a full-time father.
Moreover, your spouse or accomplice could solely know what it is prefer to have a full-time father as a husband or accomplice and nothing else. Due to this fact, she could not respect your efforts as a lot as you anticipate, resulting in mismatched expectations and potential battle.
Full-time fathers should decrease their expectations and remind themselves that being a father is a responsibility that does not deserve particular recognition. In spite of everything, they selected to be a father.
Extra importantly, full-time fathers could constantly overestimate how a lot they really do. This overestimation of care was my biggest blind spot as a father.
Regardless of being a stay-at-home dad, my spouse nonetheless does far more than I do. I’ve the luxurious of not having to deal with nights, which is a blessing as a result of our children are horrible sleepers. After I need to nap after lunch, I can, as a result of my spouse is all the time house. Moreover, we had the large assist of Silvia, our au pair, through the pandemic.
5) Witnessing your kid’s milestones will make your efforts really feel price it
At this level, you would possibly assume being a full-time father feels like an excessive amount of work. Fortunately, witnessing all of your kid’s improvement milestones is the best return of all.
You’ll witness all the things out of your child’s first babble to their first rollover. Wonderful! Then, round eight months outdated, you may be so proud when your little one lastly sits up on their very own. At round ten months outdated, nothing might be as exhilarating as seeing your almost-toddler crawl to you for the primary time. After which, once they stand at across the one-year mark and begin cruising alongside the couch, you’ll have the most important proud dad second ever.
Every milestone you witness will erase your doubts about giving up your profession and earnings. After about ten classes of making an attempt to show my son methods to bike, listening to him scream with pleasure, “I can do it!” was priceless. The quantity of satisfaction I felt seeing his triumph was price greater than any year-end bonus I made on Wall Avenue.
Now think about throughout bedtime when your little one, out of the blue, says, “Thanks for spending the day with me, Daddy. I really like you.” That is if you really feel a healthful kind of priceless love.
If You Need To Be A Full-Time Father, Strive It Out
Embracing the position of a full-time father comes with its justifiable share of challenges, however you may doubtless discover it a rewarding resolution.
Sure, your loved ones will in all probability have less money with one much less working accomplice. Sure, additionally, you will lose standing and status given society sadly doesn’t fairly but respect male caretakers.
I gave up many earnings alternatives to remain at house. We additionally acquired rejected from six out of seven preschools we utilized to. That was an enormous get up name to not fall too far down the status ladder. On the similar time, I discovered methods to generate supplemental earnings by way of Monetary Samurai and write a WSJ bestselling guide. You can see a solution to earn and develop if it is advisable.
For older dad and mom, changing into a full-time father can be a good way to make up for misplaced time. Certainly one of my biggest regrets was having kids late. By spending extra time with them earlier than they depart the home, you’ll be able to compensate to your late begin.
Someday round ages 10-12, you may not be their superhero as they will choose to spend time with pals. Due to this fact, you will have about 10-12 years to be a full-time father earlier than this chance fades away.
If Full-Time Fatherhood Is Not For You
In case you determine throughout your journey that full-time fatherhood will not be for you, you’ll be able to all the time transition again to being a part-time father. Being away from the workforce for one to 3 years is not too lengthy, contemplating that many workers return to graduate faculty for 2 years and sometimes come again with higher-paying jobs.
This mindset additionally gave me the braveness to retire early in 2012 at 34. I reasoned that if early retirement did not swimsuit me or if I wanted the earnings, I might have simply discovered one other job at age 35, 36, or 37.
With the rise of consulting alternatives, you’ll be able to regularly shift extra of your waking hours towards work and fewer towards childcare as your kids get older.
As an illustration, as soon as my daughter began attending preschool three days every week in fall 2023, I devoted extra time to writing for Monetary Samurai and finishing my second guide with Portfolio Penguin.
The Satisfaction That You Tried
Sadly, you might be unlikely to really feel happier as a full-time father as a result of quantity of labor, stress, second-guessing, and persistence concerned! Nonetheless, as soon as your children attend faculty full-time, you’ll really feel happy figuring out you tried your greatest.
As well as, how cool it’s that your spouse can by no means criticize you for not being there for the youngsters or doing sufficient across the family for the remainder of your life! Whoo hoo!
Our youngsters will in the future go off on their very own, leaving us to ponder how rapidly time flew by. Hopefully, in the future as adults, they will respect their childhoods and on a regular basis we spent with them. When that day comes, you may notice all of your effort was worthwhile.
My Transition To Half-Time Fatherhood
With my transition to part-time fatherhood in September 2024, I must fill the 40-hour void with extra productive work. Roughly 15 hours every week might be devoted to writing for Monetary Samurai, and 5 hours might be put aside for my sports activities hobbies, leaving me with 20 hours every week to generate lively earnings.
This lively earnings is essential to complement my passive investment income and canopy my shortfall in desired dwelling bills. It additionally serves to resume my sense of objective now that my fatherhood tasks have lessened.
Earlier this yr, I experimented with part-time consulting, nevertheless it did not work out as deliberate. The workload exceeded the agreed-upon 20 hours per week. Nonetheless, this expertise has supplied me with helpful insights into what to hunt as soon as I’ve extra free time.
To all the lads on the market aspiring to be full-time fathers, give it a go! Don’t be concerned about societal judgments. Finally, comply with your coronary heart and pursue what holds true that means for you. Your children will develop up sooner than you understand!
Reader Questions About Fatherhood
Are there every other full-time fathers on the market? In case you’re at the moment a part-time father, have you ever ever considered transitioning to full-time fatherhood? What’s holding you again?
How do you reconcile the truth that by the point you would possibly need to be a full-time father, your kids could already be in class full-time and extra occupied with spending time with pals?
Do you assume there’s a greater hybrid method for fathers to stability childcare and earnings technology successfully?
Advice If You Need To Be A Full-Time Father
In case you’re seeking to develop into a full-time father, attempt to get laid off with a severance bundle as a substitute of quitting your job. This fashion, you may have a monetary runway to be a full-time father with out as a lot monetary nervousness.
My bestselling guide, How To Engineer Your Layoff, teaches you methods to break away from a job you not like with a severance bundle. Use the code “saveten” at checkout to save lots of $10.
As a guardian, getting a time period life insurance coverage coverage is a should to guard your kids. Get custom-made life insurance coverage quotes multi functional place at Policygenius. My spouse and I acquired matching 20-year time period life insurance coverage insurance policies through the pandemic. After we did, we felt an incredible quantity of reduction figuring out our children can be protected till their mid-20s. The peace of thoughts alone is price excess of our month-to-month premiums.
To expedite your journey to monetary freedom, be a part of over 60,000 others and subscribe to the free Financial Samurai newsletter. Monetary Samurai is among the many largest independently-owned private finance web sites, established in 2009.